So this is it, a year has passed. The person I was has gone and a new person has been born. I still have a lot of traits of the old person but so many new ones too. I am no longer her, I am more like a distant cousin.
The notion that it has been a year seems alien to me. Time is a strange concept, affected by the context around it. A year since my surgery seems like a millisecond but also being that person before my surgery feels like a life time ago. Its amazing how much you forget and what your mind can get used to. It took so long for my head to get around being thinner that it has now crossed through a vortex where it now cant get its head around how it was. The time waiting for something is so vast that when it has actually happened and is now in the past all time seems to be a strange concept.
I found some old photos recently of me in my underwear (don’t worry not them kind of photos!) and I was horrified. Was I really that big? Did my feet really look like tiny blocks shakily holding up a massive body. Did I really weigh 23 stone 9lb’s? More than double what a woman just over 5 foot tall should weigh?
I was that big and I was that miserable that life seemed like something other people were afforded but not me, I didn’t deserve one and I readily accepted that. I don’t accept it anymore. Boo and I can not have children so we have started thinking a lot about what we can have, what we want in our lives and have produced our bucket lists accordingly. The old Di would have put lots of crazy flamboyant things on there that I knew I had no intention of ever doing. Setting myself up for failure was my party trick, my one true skill. I don’t do that any more. If you disregard the 16 places in the world I want to go to that are listed then my list is very short. It has just 11 things on it. 11 very doable things. 11 things that I have started making plans to achieve already. 11 things that I WILL do rather than 100 things that I wont.
I had my 1 year meeting with my surgeon Mr Wong yesterday and he was very happy with everything. My nutritional levels are all good, thanks to the smorgasbord of pills I take daily, and I am on target with my weight loss.
So far I have lost 128lb (9 stone 2lb) I had wanted to hit 10 stone in a year but those little targets are not as important to myself anymore. It was made out of that whole setting myself up thing again and I don’t need to do that any more. I am a dress size 16 and am happy with that. I do want to keep losing though and me and Boo have started going to the gym again.
So what are the plans for next year?
I would like to get to goal for our holiday in September next year and be able to wear a bikini and shorts but I know its not the most important thing in the world. Being a hell of a lot healthier means i’m already there.
I want to get some more help for my bladder as, unfortunately, the weight loss has made no difference in that area.
I am going to start living. My bucket list is starting to be worked on already and will continue to be enjoyed.
I will keep working on my confidence and as that grows and my anxiety levels continue to diminish I can only achieve more.