carpe diem

So this is it, a year has passed. The person I was has gone and a new person has been born. I still have a lot of traits of the old person but so many new ones too. I am no longer her, I am more like a distant cousin.

The notion that it has been a year seems alien to me. Time is a strange concept, affected by the context around it. A year since my surgery seems like a millisecond but also being that person before my surgery feels like a life time ago. Its amazing how much you forget and what your mind can get used to. It took so long for my head to get around being thinner that it has now crossed through a vortex where it now cant get its head around how it was. The time waiting for something is so vast that when it has actually happened and is now in the past all time seems to be a strange concept.

I found some old photos recently of me in my underwear (don’t worry not them kind of photos!) and I was horrified. Was I really that big? Did my feet really look like tiny blocks shakily holding up a massive body. Did I really weigh 23 stone 9lb’s? More than double what a woman just over 5 foot tall should weigh?

I was that big and I was that miserable that life seemed like something other people were afforded but not me, I didn’t deserve one and I readily accepted that. I don’t accept it anymore. Boo and I can not have children so we have started thinking a lot about what we can have, what we want in our lives and have produced our bucket lists accordingly. The old Di would have put lots of crazy flamboyant things on there that I knew I had no intention of ever doing. Setting myself up for failure was my party trick, my one true skill. I don’t do that any more. If you disregard the 16 places in the world I want to go to that are listed then my list is very short. It has just 11 things on it. 11 very doable things. 11 things that I have started making plans to achieve already. 11 things that I WILL do rather than 100 things that I wont.

I had my 1 year meeting with my surgeon Mr Wong yesterday and he was very happy with everything. My nutritional levels are all good, thanks to the smorgasbord of pills I take daily, and I am on target with my weight loss.

So far I have lost 128lb (9 stone 2lb) I had wanted to hit 10 stone in a year but those little targets are not as important to myself anymore. It was made out of that whole setting myself up thing again and I don’t need to do that any more. I am a dress size 16 and am happy with that. I do want to keep losing though and me and Boo have started going to the gym again.

So what are the plans for next year?

I would like to get to goal for our holiday in September next year and be able to wear a bikini and shorts but I know its not the most important thing in the world. Being a hell of a lot healthier means i’m already there.

I want to get some more help for my bladder as, unfortunately, the weight loss has made no difference in that area.

I am going to start living. My bucket list is starting to be worked on already and will continue to be enjoyed.

I will keep working on my confidence and as that grows and my anxiety levels continue to diminish I can only achieve more.

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The other side of the fence

Randomly realised a few days ago that I hadn’t written a blog in a couple of weeks. I am actually really pleased with that. It shows that my weight isn’t the biggest thing in my life any more (Pun intended!) It is not all I see and all I think about. It can be so all encompassing being obese, as can trying to lose weight so I am very happy it seems to no longer have a firm grip on my every thought.

 

I wanted to get into a size 16 for the wedding in August, I wanted to hit 100lb weight loss in 9 months and I wanted to feel happier and healthier in myself. I have achieved all of those things and so many more.

 

I used to have this recurring dream where I am slim and have loads of money. I was constantly shopping and looking fabulous. When I woke up I was always brought back to earth with a bump. Not because I’m not rich (unfortunately you get used to being permanently skint pretty quick) but because I was fat. For a split second everything would be ok and then I would go to get out of bed and would be reminded instantly of the truth. I woke up a few days ago, swung my legs out of bed with ease and hopped up. Light as a feather. That’s when I realised I don’t have that dream any more. I don’t have to dream that I am thin because I’m nearly there. I don’t have to wish and pray that I will wake up slimmer because I do, every day.

 

I don’t see that I have a long way to go still now, even though I am only just over half way there. When I was putting on weight and I got to the weight I am now I was distraught, terrified, humiliated at my size. Not any more. I feel so much different about it on the way down instead of up. I suppose it’s the looking ahead factor. The outlook is so different this way round because I am happy with where I am heading.

 

I still hate my legs and think they look disgusting. I am going on a spa day with a good friend soon and had a wobble and nearly cancelled it because I don’t want her, or anyone else, to see them. The old Di would have cancelled in a heart beat, not able to face the world like this but I am trying to see them as just a part of the journey. Hopefully they won’t look like that forever and when they do look better I know I will see this time of me hating them as a necessary evil to get to the good stuff. I am so sick of not doing things because of how I look or how I think other see me. I have spent far too long worrying about what other people think. Complete strangers. Imagining them pointing at me, laughing at me, whispering about me. I no longer care if they are. Screw it! They are my horrid legs, it’s not catching so as my mum always says ‘put up and shut up’

 

I think nearly everyone is guilty of wasting precious time in their life on unimportant things or people and I have certainly used up my quota. I don’t even get wound up at work too much any more when dealing with complete fuckwits. I just laugh it off and carry on. I need to make this change. I get so annoyed and upset about things that I have no control over that I go home and am in a grump with my lovely husband and that’s not fair. If I’m in a grump he should damn well deserve it!

 

I am hoping my B12 injections and my new surgery will help improve things too. I had my pre-op on Wednesday for my op to have my Gall bladder removed. I am not too happy about this one, because I feel I have had enough surgery and they should have just removed this whilst I was being worked on in October but again I can’t change it so have to let it go and focus on the positives. I have been having some horrendous gall stone attacks and I have it on good authority that it IS worse than child birth. That I believe whole heartedly. So I will be happy when I don’t have that to contend with anymore.

 

Yesterday I went and had my first injection of B12. I will have to have this every 12 weeks for the rest of my life. Annoying? Yes, especially with all my other, unweightloss related appointments I have but I have read that some celebrities pay for these shots to make them feel good. So that’s a glowing recommendation if I ever heard one. I’m just waiting for it to kick in and suddenly feel amazing.

 

So far it has been 32 weeks since my op, can you believe it?, and I have lost 104lb. Miley Cyrus is the same height as me and weighs 104lb. I’ve lost Miley Cyrus! Bet a few people are glad at that. 1 more lb and its bye bye Victoria Beckham.

 

At my target I want to lose Ryan Gosling, anyone that’s seen painting by numbers will see this as a good thing!

 

Of course it’s shocking to be so overweight that it’s possible to lose the same weight as a fully grown, quite buff, man and not keel over but I like to see it as a positive thing of how far I have come and will continue to go rather than the bad side. I’ve spent too long looking at that bad side. It’s time for change.

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The good, the bad and the pizza dough!

I have been a bit down this week because I have been stuck at 97lb for what seems like forever. As you all know me pretty well by now, you will know how hard I will have been on myself about this. 97lb loss in 6 months in amazing, but it’s not 100lb, so to me it’s just not good enough. Typical Dianne.

In a futile attempt to show myself how much weight I have lost I posted a side by side pic on Facebook. The comments were great but I can’t see it much myself. I think if it was anyone else I would be saying how amazing the change is but it’s me so, again, it’s simply not good enough.before and after

 

 

 

My insomnia has been really bad again the past week or so. I will either be awake all night, wake up intermittently or have such shallow sleep that I don’t feel rested at all. I need a break. I have a week off work coming up but I need to get away for a proper break. Fat chance unless a lottery win is immanent.

I have been feeling quite overwhelmed recently. I always have so much to do that I have started to struggle. Not sleeping doesn’t help either. I want to take things on because I love being involved, planning and organising but then I take on too much and nothing gets done.  I am my own biggest problem.

The other thing that’s getting to me is the distribution of weight loss. I know, I know, we can’t choose it but my legs are horrendous and I can fold my empty sack of a belly up like a calzone! Handy for tucking it in new smaller sized clothing but not exactly the lovely slim line body I imagined. My arms, legs and belly really bother me. Well the calzone thing makes me chuckle so at the moment it’s more humorous then upsetting but my legs, my legs are the one thing I would change if I could. They are just emptying rather than getting smaller so as such they are incredibly unsightly. I think I might have to do some DIY surgery with a stanley knife and a vacuum cleaner. A bit of duct tape and I’m sorted.

I had today off work as I had a hospital appointment in York with Mr Wong where I also saw Amy the dietitian. The news was bad and good. My last lot of blood tests showed that I am anemic and deficient in Iron, Zinc, Vitamin D, Vitamin B12 and Calcium, practically everything needed for your body to function properly. Mr Wong needs me to get this sorted out ASAP or he has warned that the anesthesiologist for my Gall Bladder op will refuse to do it as the risk will be too great.  The importance of my medication and my food quality has just been shoved back at me and in fairness, that is where it should have been already. I will get this sorted and I won’t be making this mistake again.

The good news is I was weighed whilst there and I have finally done it. I have lost bang on 100lb. Whoop 100lb down and 77lb to go. Lets hope about 30lb of that is off each leg!

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The truth and nothing but the truth on my 6 month opiversary.

This time 6 months ago I was coming round from my surgery amd Paul was frantic with worry because he couldnt get hold of anyone to tell him how I was. This time 6 months I thought I wouldnt survive because the alternative, of actually losing weight, seemed impossible to believe. This time 6 months ago I weighed 23 stone and 9lb.

That is massive for someone 6 foot tall but as I am only just over 5 foot that is horrendous. When the doctor told me I weighed 331lb I nearly died of shame. How did that happen. How did I become so massive. I new I was big, don’t get me wrong, but to be told I needed to lose around 12 stone just seemed rediculous. Now I know it was rediculous, rediculous that it was true.

Now 6 months later I have lost 98lb, exactly 7 stone. I am very proud of this fact and I need to make sure I do give myself credit were credit is due. Its very easy for me to be annoyed that I didnt hit 100lb in 6 months like I wanted and easy for me to be annoyed that I am still 16 stone 9lb. I need to see that that is a massive amount and be happy that I am well on track. I tried on a dress in a size 18 and it fitted. Thats brilliant. An 18 to a 12 is a lot less to lose then a 30 to an 18 that I have done so far.

I hope that the next 6 months of my journey are just as successful and that this time when I am a year post op I am at goal, happy and healthy and enjoying the second chance I have been given. I am not going to waste it. IMG-20130414-00121IMG-20130401-00093IMG00349-20130406-1342

My Blue coat (and trousers) that is now too big but I couldnt do it up when I bought it.

My wedding dress that is so big I had to stick my bum out to stop it falling down!

and my ever shrinkingness from a birds eye view! (shame about that one!)

I have just had Elaine measure me and I have lost a total of……….26inches around my body.

Bust 6″

Waist 5″

Hips 6″

Neck 1.5″

Arms .5″ each

Thighs 3″ and 3.5″

Get a tapemeasure and look at 26″. Its not to be sniffed at and im very happy with those results.

 

On a final soppy note I just wanted to say that I would have really struggled more if it wasnt for the love, support and wise words from my friends and family, there are tons of you and this isnt an oscar speech so you all know who you are along with specifically the girls from the Bariatric group, Elaine, Lynda, Sarah (saz), Tiffany, Caroline, Elena and my wonderful Boo. Thank you all so much.

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No going back

Am very excited because next weeks blog will be my 6 month opiversary. I cant believe its been 6 months already. It really has flown by. To think that it wont be that long before it has been a year seems so unreal.

Next week when I do my blog it will have plenty of photos and I will finally come clean about my start weight and where I am now. I am hoping to dig my wedding dress out too and see how much things have changed with that. The fact is my dress was a 28/30 and had to be let out as much as possible, and lets face it, was still a bit tight seems alien to me. I am no where near that size now and it feels great.

I have managed a major milestone without even realising it and that’s getting to a size where I can buy clothes in any old shop without my size being an issue. No more looking at row upon row of clothes that don’t fit me anymore. I can buy clothes! Yippeee This has also meant I have tons of clothes to sell on ebay that I have shrunk out of before they even look worn. I’ve discovered that plus size clothes sell really well too so that’s a bonus. My clothes literally hang off me now and I can’t wait to get to goal and have a fab girlie shopping trip to get me started again. I have never had a proper girlie shopping trip. Being plus sized kind of puts the Kybosh on that so I am very excited to finally be a bit more girlie. Its hard to have a specific style when you are very limited to what you can wear so I am eager to see what style I end up going for. I do like retro stuff and think pencil skirts can look very nice and a little bit sexy. Oh have you heard me, sexy. Who’d have thunk it.

So I got weighed today and was really hoping for a rocking weight loss because I have set myself the, probably unrealistic, goal of losing 100lb in 6 months. I had 9 to go with only 2 weigh ins left so wanted around the 5 mark to give me a fighting chance. I have lost 3lb this week, meaning I need to lose a whopping 6lb next week in order to do it. I don’t think I’ll manage it BUT I know I have to focus on what I have done. This time 6 months ago I was writing my blog, sat right where I am now, just before my surgery weighing 94lb more than I do now. That is just shy of 7 stone. That’s a whole super model I have lost! My sort of aim, because it depends on my clothes size etc, was to lose 177lb’s so I am more than half way there.

177lb is 12 stone 9lb. I want to lose 12 stone 9lb. That’s insane. That is not only losing a fully grown adult but for my height that’s an overweight fully grown adult. That’s pretty disgusting. I used to read weight loss stuff a lot and have commented many times before that although I knew I was overweight that the Dr BMI charts said I needed to lose around 13 stone. I always said I was big but not that big. Well I guess I was because that’s pretty much my goal. It’s shocking how I carried that around all the time. I am still carrying just under 6 stone with me. That’s like giving a piggy back to a 10 year old all day, everyday. Crazy.

Despite everything I am very much looking forwards to next weeks weigh in and even if I don’t make 100lb’s I should do it the next week and a bit more after that and then a bit more until eventually I hit my 177lb’s and then I am never going back. Putting the weight back on is a huge problem for WLS patients but I will not let it happen. I am absolutely determined that this is a year out of my life to give me many more in the future and I am not going to screw that up.

 

 

 

 

 

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The true reflection

Well I have had a very busy week since last blog. Boo and I went away for a long weekend as part of my Christmas pressie and it was fab. We went out for lunch with Boo’s best man and his lovely misses Jeni and met their gorgeous puppies, then we went to see Walking with Dinosaurs at Sheffield arena which was brilliant, went to Pooles tavern (Buxton caves) and Chester Zoo. Action packed weekend. We stayed at Alderley Edge for one night and pretty quickly discovered its where a lot of footballers live. Everyone was very well turned out, the houses all had CCTV and security gates and I felt very uncomfortable. In that type of area I’m conspicuous by design! It’s good to see how the other half live but I am in no rush to join them. I wouldn’t say no to a lottery win though, just saying!

It was my usual weigh in today. As I have lost 91lb’s so far and only have this and 2 other weigh ins until my 6 month opiversary I was really hoping to hit the 100lbs in 6 months. Today I jumped on the scales and I have lost…….nothing, nada, zilch, zippo, a big fat goose egg. Disappointed doesn’t even cover it. I know what I am like and I let these things derail me from seeing how far I have already come. Not getting to 100lb in 6 months has so much power over me. It can make a great achievement seem hollow. It can make me feel a failure and like I will never get to goal. If it were anyone else I would be yelling at them not to be so daft and look at this difference so far. But it’s not someone else. It’s me. I am always very hard on myself and even though there is a small, but definite, chance I can still do it in my heart I know I won’t. I am already defeated.

I have already had a problem like this whilst we were away. At home we have no full length mirrors. It’s easy to kid yourself when there are no truth tellers about. In the hotels they were everywhere. Laughing, pointing out my wobbly bits, my now saggy empty boobs, my dough ball belly and my empty sacks that were once my thighs.

I had kidded myself that I was looking great, maybe in clothes that’s true but in the nude I feel as bad about myself as I did before the op. Boo tells me I do look great and so much better but I am having one of my negative relapses. Who loses nearly 100lb and is still overweight. At the risk of sounding like a petulant child. It’s not fair  *stamps feet!*

I hope I start feeling better about all this soon. I need to get a level head about it. I know I am doing great but sometimes it’s hard to see where you are at and where you are going if your still seeing the start line. The lovely outfit for the wedding in August seems a million miles away right now.

 

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2 for the price of 1!

Sorry my blog is late but I have had such a busy traumatic week I am only surprised I have managed to do it at all!

Firstly the good stuff.

I finally managed to go to one of the WLS meetings and everyone made me feel really welcome. I feel like I already knew everyone through the powers of facebook/blog so it was lovely to put some faces to names.

In the meeting one of the things mentioned was making a poster to advertise the group. Me being me wrote a little poem for it. I’m not sure if it is going to be used but the fact that people seemed to like it is good enough for my tiny ego.

Unfortunately I did a typical Di thing and got the meeting details wrong. I didn’t realise it was 2 hours long so had to leave after an hour. I felt really bad about it and annoyed with myself but next time I will be there for the full meeting. I get really nervous in new surroundings and with new people so my anxiety levels were sky high but everyone was so nice I soon relaxed and even spoke up a bit. Get me!

We talked a bit about doing a charity stall in the entrance to York Hospital (near Costa Coffee) and this is on 15th April. I’ll be there and am really looking forwards to it. Perhaps some of you will stop by and help us raise some money.

I really want to start offering a commissioned poetry service  so have already done some for some random people so I could practice and hopefully get some testimonials off of them (hint hint) I am looking forwards to setting up a facebook business page to get spreading the word. Hopefully I’ll be able to branch out into vow writing as well and other forms of commissioned writing. I just cant set the page up yet as I wrote one as a present for someone and they haven’t got it yet so cant ruin the surprise.

I went to Langlands (best garden centre in the world) with my parents last week. They have loads of different sections so we had a wander around after lunch and my dad randomly bought me a jumper from the Edinburgh Woolen Mill bit. Firstly it was lovely of him and secondly it was a size 14/16, whoop whoop! He didn’t buy me this for any particular reason but I think it might have something to do with me spending the day with my mum helping my aunt Jessie out. She has Alzheimers and is going into a home shortly so I was listing all her stuff she cant take to sell to get her the money. It was horrid, she kept saying she didn’t want the money and everything was ‘keep it, keep it’ I do not want to have any chance of anyone thinking I would take advantage of the situation. I love my aunt very very much but am very worried about her. She smokes constantly and is so forgetful I worry she’ll burn the flat down one day. My mum has done an amazing job helping her and seeing her several times a day but she needs proper trained help and my mum needs to go back to being her sister and not her carer.

I went for a look around the Designer Outlet with Elaine and Boo on the Sunday and wanted to try on a dress just to see what size I am. I was absolutely shocked that it fit at a size 18. I was super super shocked. I really struggled to get it off and my boobs got stuck though but then once I had finally wriggled out of it I saw there was a zip down the side – doh!

I got weighed last week and had lost 2lb. I was really happy with that as I hadn’t been to the gym for a few days (reasons in the bad bit!) so that was enough for me. This week I have lost a whopping 5lb!! Whoop! This makes 91lb in total. Just 9 more lbs and I will hit 100. 100! I cant believe that’s even possible and not only that its possible but that its little ole me that’s done it. It just seems so crazy. I am well over half way there now and super excited. I feel so different. I no longer feel like people are looking at me and thinking ‘look at the size of her’ I no longer have that paranoia that was so all encompassing  just a few months ago. It’s amazing the change.

Now the bad

Been majorally stressed this week. Bloody Hermes delivered 5 parcels to the wrong people and I’m talking Inverness to London! They have been bloody useless at sorting it out and I have been jumping through hoops all week. Its very difficult to liaise with 5 buyers, ebay and Hermes, get no help whatsoever and  only be able to contact these people through messages. and because its such a tangled web of who got what its like a spaghetti junction.

Last Monday night I had literally eaten just a few mouthfuls of my tea when I got crippling stabbing stomach pains. It was horrendous. It was so painful that if either an alien burst out of me or I had given birth I wouldn’t have been in the least bit surprised. It was that bad. I was screaming out in pain it was that bad. Boo rang the new 111 number and they wanted me to go to the medical clinic but I refused. I have spent enough time lately in hospitals and with doctors I just wanted to stay at home but get better and quick. By coincidence I had a scan booked for the next day of my belly because it’s still swollen and I can feel a hard lump that has been worrying me. Turns out I have a gall stone the size of a golf ball and that’s the hard lump I can feel!  Nothing has been done about it as of yet but I have had another attack since so I really hope I can get it sorted because it is the worse pain imaginable to me.

When I was at langleys I got talking to a woman in the queue and she told me she has a friend who has had the surgery and is really annoyed it hasnt worked for her as she has lost just 3 stone in 2 years. The problem is that she has discovered she can still have chocolate by melting a mars bar into her hot chocolate! WTF! People like that really really annoy me. I was such a chocolate fiend it was unreal. I worried that the makers of Double Deckers would go bust after my op but I did it. I stopped eating chocolate and I am still alive. I could melt one into a hot chocolate too, hell I could ram a bag of buttons in there too I bet but I just wouldn’t and neither should she. She has completely wasted this second chance and it makes me so mad grrrrr.

I am going away on Friday for a lovely long weekend with my Boo so I’ll be trying to cram my exercise in and hopefully in the next couple of weeks I will get that 100lb.

 

 

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